The following advice for American travelers going to France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber
of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control
and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as
important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping. France
is a very old country with many
treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions
to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little
used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking
in French, though many will speak
English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.
The People
France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink
and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive
like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most
French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
behavior. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like
Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travelers
are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers
for easier recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be
aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the
French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices, life for the American visitor generally goes much as before. A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in
recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London
during future German invasions.
History
France historical figures are King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Clouseau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and all their kings were called Louis. The
French enjoyed their Revolution which
set up their republic. It was so successful thatt hey did it again, and again
and again.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love
administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each
of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two
chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground
floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom
should be trusted by the traveler. Parliament's principal occupation is testing
atomic bombs in the south Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other
countries complain, and then complaining when the Arabs do the same in Paris. According
to the most current American state department intelligence, the President is
now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that
you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent,
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In
general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are
not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking
the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order
of importance to the economy,are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns,
grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments
and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if
he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest
of the World is Rubbish" Days.